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null_Xposur

Nov. 25th, 2005

07:27 pm - Bat Country

HE who makes a beast out of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man

Caught here in a fiery blaze, won't lose my will to stay.
I tried to drive all through the night,
the heat stroke ridden weather, the barren empty sights.
No oasis here to see, the sand is singing deathless words to me.

Can't you help me as I'm startin' to burn (all alone).
Too many doses and I'm starting to get an attraction.
My confidence is leaving me on my own (all alone).
No one can save me and you know I don't want the attention.

As I adjust to my new sights the rarely tired lights will take me to new heights.
My hand is on the trigger I'm ready to ignite.
Tomorrow might not make it but everything's all right.
Mental fiction follows me; show me what it's like to be set free.

Can't you help me as I'm startin' to burn (all alone).
Too many doses and I'm starting to get an attraction.
My confidence is leaving me on my own (all alone).
No one can save me and you what I want the attention.

So sorry you're not here I've been sane too long my vision's so unclear.
Now take a trip with me but don't be surprised when things aren't what they seem.

Caught here in a fiery blaze, won't lose my will to stay.
These eyes won't see the same, after I flip today.

Sometimes I don't know why we'd rather live than die,
we look up towards the sky for answers to our lives.
We may get some solutions but most just pass us by,
don't want your absolution cause I can't make it right.
I'll make a beast out of myself, gets rid of all the pain of being a man.

Can't you help me as I'm startin' to burn (all alone).
Too many doses and I'm starting to get an attraction.
My confidence is leaving me on my own (all alone).
No one can save me and you know what I want the attention.

So sorry you're not here I've been sane too long my vision's so unclear.
Now take a trip with me but don't be surprised when things aren't what they seem.
I've known it from the start all these good ideas will tear your brain apart.
Scared but you can follow me I'm too weird to live but much too rare to die.

Current Music: Avenged Sevenfold - Bat Country

Sep. 2nd, 2005

06:55 pm - Set It Off!!!

Wait every hour of every day
Played light, played hard
Had to go my way
I feel like death wearing a disguise
Can't catch my breath
From all this noise

I want
I'm fucking bored
Give me a new found sensation
Take it
Take all the pills
I'm trying anything to get me off
Come on

Kicked in the ass
Why do you tell me I can't?
Fake it
I can't go on
Give me anything to set it off

I bite your tongue
Watch with keen eyes
I found the gun
Nervous excitement
Go on and touch it
You just might like
I sip your poison one last time

My confidence is all that's left
Under this veil I count the minutes
I'm growing weaker
Search for a glimmer
Pulsating sounds come blaring out
You may be right
My mind is gone
I'll try anything to set this off

Set it off
Anything to set it off

Current Music: Static-X - Set It Off

Aug. 29th, 2005

01:54 am - psyched about new job and utsa

well, new job's coming really good. i did get a new raise, a dollar actually, so i'm earning as much as i was at the other place. at least i didn't go down. i figure, for $13 an hour, it's a bit low for technical support but it's a whole lot more than what i've ever done in my life and gives me a good life. of course, i'll gain my way up and raise that figure along. so i've got alot of projects at the farm which is cool cuz it keeps me busy.

i also started my next-to-last semester at utsa and classes look good. 2 of 'em look really REALLY interesting about secure network design and infrastructure assurance & security... can't wait to get more involved in 'em.

life is good.

Aug. 12th, 2005

10:03 pm - good days coming !?!

wow, best decision i've ever made, no matter wat anybody might say...

so today i had a meeting with my boss. he wanted to talk about current and possible future projects to work on. he talked to me about me being able to work more hours and told me to tell him the schedule when i knew it. i told him i already knew, so i'm doing mondays thru thursday from 8-1pm and i'd be flexible on friday, which would probably mean 8 hours. since i normally go into work earlier, that's probably 30 hours. we agreed on me starting that schedule on august 26th (friday)... he also said i'd be starting that day with a new RAISE!!! yaaaayyyy!! at least i won't be giving up a dollar from sawtelle financial!!!

anyways, there's many projects we talked about which i'm really happy about... so many things, so much experience, sooo mucho very good looking on resume! ;-)

i also got my monthly allotment: 12-bottle case of Old Dutch San Antonio Queso!!

Current Mood: excitedexcited

Aug. 10th, 2005

03:48 pm - helpdesk support technician

soooooo, time has come for me to choose a job. well, seeing as to how it seemed like i only had a job till sept.30th at San Antonio Farms as a Support Technician, i had made up my mind of saying at Sawtelle Financial as a data entry guy.

to recap, the farm:=interesting, learn alot, lots of experience to help in resume, allllll very nice people, dollar less in pay, not really know about stability of job (longetivity) & sawtelle:=dollar more in pay, somewhat closer to apartment, boss likes my work, kinda laid back, guaranteed job 'till graduation, very bored doing data entry, not know how long i can stand doing data entry, not too helpful in experience for resume.

i had agreed on sawtelle financial. i told my boss's boss (the CFO) at the farm about my plans and how i didn't know how long i'd have a job with them and 'cuz of school, i'd have to leave 'em in 2.5 weeks. he talked to me about it a bit. next day, both of us and my boss talked together and they assured me there'd be work to at least december, more likely after that too and they could give me the same amount of hours (i'm doing 15 a week now) as i was planning to work at sawtelle's (around 28-30). next day (yesterday), i told 'em i'd stay with 'em.

today, i gotta give my 2-weeks notice at sawtelle's... we'll see how it goes. the boss is really nice and really likes how i've been with him for a while and helped him so we'll see how it goes. he had offered me a $1000 graduation bonus if i stayed till graduation, but i just have to move on to gain more experience.

at least i wont' have to worry about having 2 jobs, driving from one to the other, and all that.

Current Mood: relievedrelieved

Jul. 13th, 2005

02:54 pm - tired of it all

no, i'm not suicidal. i haven't contemplated suicide for quite a while... well, sorta. i'm just plain tired of it all. sometimes, i dunno if i wanna not have to work and just focus on school, but that also involves some work. most of the time, i feel like i wanna graduate already and start working regular 40-hour weeks and not have the pressure of that test the day after or readings x-amount of chapters. sometimes, i don't want neither.

i'm just plain tired of everything honestly. i used to be such a perfectionist but have gotten so lazy lately. perfectionist meant i did everything on time and didn't slack off, always trying to be perfect. i'm still a perfectist at heart, but i don't take it too in-depth anymore.

now, i just enjoy life. it's weird. i'm a very weird person. i restrict my emotions so much. for many years, i've always tried to determine the cause of things. many things, if u think about it, don't make any sense. examples are saying "bless you" when you sneeze, repeatedly saying "good morning" or "how are you" when you don't really care for or expect a response. that "how are you" annoys me the most cuz people say it soooo often without thinking about it. how am i... well, definitely not good, not today, not tomorrow.

i'm a very sad person. i'm always looking forward for anything that will make me smile for a bit. anything that can make me forget about life is welcomed. i honestly feel i'm dead inside; i've been dead for a while. i sometimes see no point in life but to spend it with loved ones. i feel like an ant, as if all i'm supposed to do is be born, work to get through bills, and die.

i wish i was rich and not have to do anything. then i'd move back near my family and just enjoy life. i do love life and hate having to think about death, mainly cuz of my lack of after-life beliefs. there's just too many things i've come to dislike; it all happened cuz i slowly dissected every single one to its roots and figured out the real cause. maybe i should be a psychologist or sociologist; the thought has crossed my mind (too late now).

oooo well. 20+ years have passed... still many more to go... weird how people always say that life is short. weird how to me, i've always considered life to be very long. it's probably cuz i don't enjoy it, am sad about it all the time, and am day by day wishing my end was closer... but it never did.

Current Mood: indescribableindescribable

Jul. 10th, 2005

01:02 am - the road not taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could.
To where it bent in the undergrowth,

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative

Jul. 7th, 2005

08:32 pm - saaaaaaaaaaad

really disappointed at myself =(

gotta fucking learn subnetting better =\

Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed

Jun. 5th, 2005

01:19 am - new old linux box!

so my boss today gave me an old pc he didn't want. it's 733 MHz Dell, 256MB RAM, 10GB ROM.

i just finished installing fedora 3 on it, but i plan to use it as my testing linux box (for now)...

good times... good times...

Current Music: seether's kharma & effect's awesome!!

May. 25th, 2005

07:01 pm - ...and when I thought there was no more hope

So we're at Sam's in line. We only had 2 items and this lady in front had about 3 or 4.

She says, "You can go right ahead... (thanks)... That way, next time I have 2 items, you can do the same for me."

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